This is the first installment of a two-part blog…. I have so much to say on dating, relationships, and self-worth that a single entry wasn’t enough!
One thing I know for sure: Obese people are self-conscious. Sometimes, that awareness of appearance can cause a lot of difficulty in a person’s life. They can become reclusive, and lose interest in outside activities for fear of being seen, whispered about and even ridiculed. I know, I used to be there.
I lived a life of exile, hiding inside my house, hiding behind other people in pictures, hiding my feelings of self-loathing, and just plain hiding. I know I was in a pattern of self-destructive behavior. The worst part of all was loneliness.
Before I turned 30, I was divorced with two young children. I spent years following my divorce building a career to a point where I could financially support my family on my own, and I was able to purchase my own home. As the years progressed after that, I took comfort in food more often and ignored my rising weight. It was at the age of 43, with my father’s dying wish for me to be healthy -- and his subsequent death -- that finally gave me the motivation to take back control of my life. I didn’t realize that there was still something missing.
I’ve never been one to frequent the bar scene, and with the rise of Internet dating websites, I registered for several of them. I enjoyed the anonymity, and I particularly liked that I could hide my appearance. Sure, my profiles had a picture, but it was a headshot, carefully staged to conceal how heavy I really was. For sure nobody would want to date me the way I looked!
I’m guilty of compensating for this by entering into relationships for the wrong reasons and taking the attitude of “I’m lucky he’ll have me.”
After a particularly bad, and thankfully short-lived, relationship ended in 2009, I recognized how I was damaging myself and further retreated into my own darkness.
Flash forward to 2012… Even after losing a substantial amount of weight, I still struggled with self-esteem issues. My 19-year-old daughter encouraged me to join a social networking site she’d been using. “To make new friends,” she said. I thought, “OK. I can always use people to talk to.” I signed up, cautiously optimistic. I had an updated picture that was used as my main profile shot. I started adding friends, commenting on statuses and pictures, and soon had amassed a small network that began building my confidence.
To my surprise, there were a few men out there that wanted to meet me in person. I was careful in selecting who I would meet. I went out on a couple dates and it dawned on me that the only one disappointed in my appearance was me. It’s human nature to be your own worst critic. I chose to not discuss my surgery with those I dated initially. It’s a delicate subject to broach and when meeting new people, I’ve found that “Hi, I used to weigh 357 lbs!” is NOT a good opening line. While I dated a few times, no one really made that much of an impression to go beyond a couple meetings.
Next time: You’ll never believe what happened!
How do YOU feel about relationships and dating? Do you think your weight affects your views?
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